her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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