It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
