so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
