watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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