I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
where am i from again
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
