Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
