I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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