i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
