I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Randomize
