Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
