my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Houston, we have a blender
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
