Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
