I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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