I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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