I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
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