so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
