Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Randomize
