I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
