I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
