i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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