Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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