Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
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