winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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