I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
