The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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