I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
