Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
