dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
