So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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