In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
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