i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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