My nipple is on Facebook.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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