Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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