I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
