You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
