So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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