I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Randomize
