Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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