you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
