If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Randomize
