Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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