P.S. I can't hear my feet
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
