I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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