So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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