I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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