i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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