I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
