Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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