I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
