guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
