Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
he shaved USA in his pubs
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
And then my night got REAL pukey
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
