i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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