Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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