Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
