dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
