How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
